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NOW HERE

My Explicit Teen Diary
Starting at Age 13!
MY THOUGHTS AND
FEELINGS
AT AGE 18

by Lorien Loveshade

August 23 to 29, 2006
See My Diary

March 13 2006
August 23 2006
What do I do about
a guy who acts like
my boyfriend but
isnt my boyfriend?
If I have a
boyfriend.
Is he what I want?
Do I want a
boyfriend right
now?
Copyright by The Loveshade Family
Lorien's Crib
Diary Dates
My Thoughts and
Feelings at Age 18


I always write my thoughts and feelings on August 23, but it took me longer this time because I
was on vacation. But I promised I would make some decisions by the time my vacation was over,
so I am.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT FERNANDO?

Did I want to keep dating Fernando like I have been? Do I want to ask him to be my boyfriend?
Do I want to break up with him?

We’ve dated almost every week for months, and I even took him to my senior prom.  But he still
hasn’t asked me to be his boyfriend. I thought about asking him, but he likes to be in control.

He doesn’t want me dating or kissing anybody else, but he thinks there’s no reason he can’t date
or kiss anybody else if I’m not his girlfriend. He gets really jealous every time I talk to a guy, but
didn’t call me once the whole time I was on vacation. I called him once when I got there, and once
when I got back. He wanted to know everything I did. But when I asked him what he did, he just
said, “not much.”

I got totally away from him for a week, and that gave me time to think. I talked a lot to Harmony,
and he said I have to decide what I want. Mindy and Flower agreed, and so did Greg and Ima. I
promised I would decide on my vacation, and I did. Here’s what I want.

IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

If I have a boyfriend, I want him to be somebody I can trust, and somebody who trusts me. I want
to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with him. I want him to have a sense of humor. He
doesn’t have to be Wiccan, but he at least has to accept that I am Wiccan. I do not want a
boyfriend who’s going to try to convert me to his religion. He doesn’t have to believe in Goddess
or in God, but he has to believe in something.

He has to accept me for who I am. He has to accept that I am a poet, that I post and share my
thoughts and feelings with others but under a pseudonym. He had to be somebody who can read
my diary without being threatened by it, or somebody who agrees not to read my diary at all.

If he doesn’t want me doing Frenchies with anybody else, then he can’t be doing Frenchies with
anybody else. If it’s ok for him it’s ok for me. He has to accept my friends. They don’t have to be
his friends, and his friends don’t have to be my friends. But we have to accept each other’s
friendships. I am very intimate with my best friends, and he has to accept that too, even if he
doesn’t know all the details.

He doesn’t have to be a nudist, but he has to accept that I am. He doesn’t have to love horses
and dolphins, but he can’t deny me my love of horses and dolphins. He has to accept my cat, Mr.
Biggles. He has to let me believe in unicorns and mermaids, even if they aren’t real to him. He
has to be somebody who likes sharing things with me, going to movies, going to the ocean, going
to a lake, using the pool and hot tub, going to parties and dancing. He doesn’t have to do all
those things with me, just most of them. I want him to be somebody who likes doing cuddles just
to do cuddles and not just for sex. He has to accept that I am a virgin and plan to stay a virgin
until I’m in love with that special someone. I want him to give me flowers or a card or a ribbon for
my hair or a poem he wrote or found just because he feels like doing it. I want him to call me and
tell me “I just wanted to talk to you because I miss you” even when I just saw him the day before.

I want him to be strong, but I don’t mean muscles I mean inside. I want him to be smart and to
create something like poems or stories or paintings or sculpture or plays or dances or movies. I
want him to be somebody who will hold me when I cry, and somebody who’s not afraid to cry and
let me hold him.

I don’t care if he likes to drink or use drugs as long as he’s not addicted. I do not want somebody
who drinks and drives. I want him to treat his body like a temple, and to treat mine like one too.

He doesn’t really have to be any certain height or weight. I would like him to be taller than me, but
that’s not a requirement. I would like his weight to be healthy. I want him to be mature, but he
doesn’t have to be older. I’m part White, Mexican and Indian, but he doesn’t have to be any of
those races. He could be any race.

I like blue eyes and body spots like freckles and belly buttons that are outies or hairy, but of
course those aren’t necessary. I don’t care how big he is downstairs.

He has to accept me as who I am. And he has to accept himself as who he is.

IS FERNANDO WHAT I WANT?

I looked at my list, and I asked, how many of these things are Fernando? Really, I had to answer,
not many. Fernando likes Wicca, is funny, smart, likes to dance and go to movies. But he doesn’t
trust me, wants one set of rules for him and a stricter set for me, thinks Mr. Biggles is just a “dum
cat,” would never accept what I write in my diary or agree not to read it if he knew about it, thinks
nudism is about sex, and thinks all cuddling is just foreplay. He said he liked my poetry at first but
now he says he was just “being nice.” He thinks my love of fantasy is some “silly girl thing,” and
doesn’t like fantasy unless it’s got lots of sex or violence in it. He really doesn’t like romance. I do.

I’ve made my decision. I am not asking Fernando to be my boyfriend. And if he asks me to be his
girlfriend, which he won’t, I will tell him no. I’ll tell him very nicely, but the answer will still be no.
And I will stop dating him. Maybe after a month or two I might go out with him if he still asks me.
But not every week and not for a while.

DO I WANT A BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW?

I’m going to college full time very soon. I’ll meet new people and have new friends. Of course I’ll
keep my old ones too. And I’ll meet people I’ll want to date. And maybe do things with I’ve never
done before.

Dan said college is a place to experiment, and to find people who want to experiment with you.
Karla said having a boyfriend when you start full time college is a mistake because you can miss
opportunities. Aunt Betsy said “don’t tie yourself down too soon.” Corina said it’s a chance to “go
for it.”

So I do not need a boyfriend right now. I do not need Fernando. I do not need anyone who tries
to control me. I will not be changed by a man. If I change for a man, it will be my choice, and I will
be happy to change for him. Because he won’t want me to change who I am. I am and I will always
be free to be me.
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