| JaNuArY 1 2006 |
| Sunday January 1 2006 Dear Mr BiGgLeS Today is the beginning of a New Year and I want to write something important. But all I can think of is stupid stuff! I even turned on TV to watch the parade and they arent even having it today! I dont know why its tomorrow cuz its always New Years. I thought we would all make breakfast together but I slept too late! I dont know why cuz usually I wake up early on New Years. They saved some for me but I really dont like reheated eggs. So I just had waffles and bacon. Oh this was funny but I told them Happy Nude Year! lol If u dont know thats a holiday in our secret club. Its like New Years only u wear ur birthday suit! LMAO Of course were all nudists. If u didnt read last year thats Uncle Oz, his friend Nataline, my older brother Benny and my older sister Brandy. Nataline thought I met her the first time I went to a nude beach but I told her Id been to one b4. Anyway we kept our clothes on! lol Theres a nude resort in Palm Springs that Uncle Oz and Benny and Brandy went to b4 but Ive never been there. I think u have to be 18. Of course theres no age limit at the beaches! Ok I want to write about something important. Ive been thinking I might want to be Herbies girlfriend again. Then I do what? Make out with a guy I just met! Ok I dont even want to talk about it. I called a lot of my friends and wished them Happy New Year! I called Mindy but I didnt get her Im sorry I missed u Mindy! They might be on a boat I bet they were. Then I called Becky and she wasnt there either! She went to a party so I guess she stayed there. But I talked to Harmony! He said he didnt do much for New Years just visited some friends and his brother. He really wants to meet Uncle Oz and my family sometime and he said he really misses me! Herbie was really happy I called! He wasnt expecting it. But he told me something totally surprising! He said he, Jude, Sheryl whos Judes sister, and Edie whos Sheryls friend went to see a midnight movie! So I was like u mean u went on a double date? LMAO Of course I was just kidding cuz I know it was just as friends. I said Happy Birthday to Jude cuz hes 17 today. Hes a New Years baby! Then I called Ella. Oh and Holden talked to me he really thanked me for the staff! Of course we all gave it to him together. He sounded so happy it was really sweet. He said he owed me a two ton hug! lol I wanted to talk to Ella about what happened with her and Johnnie but I really didnt get the chance. Ill have to talk to her in person. Cuz its been like two weeks and I still dont know what happened! later Benny and Brandy gave me great advise! They said if I want to know how I feel about Herbie then I should call Bud! I know that sounds really weird. But I said I wanted a chance to date another guy and this is my chance! And I dont even have to worry about Bud cuz its not like Ill see him all the time. I dont even live close. But then I thought it would be weird if I called him. But then I was like why? Just cuz Im a girl? I know girls can call guys but a lot of guys think its weird. They think if u call then ur desperate or something. But Brandy was like but Bud cant call me! And he might even have emailed me cuz he wanted to see me and I wouldnt even know til I got back home! So all I have to do is call him and tell him I forgot I cant get email right now. But now Im nervous about calling him! But I have to do it today cuz were leaving! later I called Bud and he wasnt even home! This sucks! So I just left a message. I didnt give him my cell phone number I gave him the timeshare number. later I changed my plans again! Uncle Oz said we could all go golfing but we didnt. Really we didnt have much time cuz Benny and Brandy had to leave right after lunch and they were taking me home. I wish they didnt live so far away. Of course if I go to Bennys old college Ill be really close I might even live with them. I wanted to have a birthday party for Benny cuz hes 24 on Monday but we didnt have time. But I wished him Happy Birthday and gave him the T shirt which he really liked. They were going to take me back and then see Mommy again b4 they left. But I dont have school til Tuesday so guess what? I decided to stay! Brandy was teasing me that it was just cuz I didnt want to miss Buds call! lol But really that isnt it. He hasnt even called me yet I dont know why. Maybe hes gone somewhere. But thats not why Im staying. I have a lot to decide and I just want some time away from everything. Sometimes its easier to think about things when u arent in the middle of them. It gives u distance so u can see clearer. But then I thought maybe I f**ked up cuz Uncle Oz and Nataline might want to be alone together! But they said they didnt cuz they were going someplace anyway. They said I could go with them but I decided to stay here by myself! Its weird cuz usually I dont like being alone very much. Of course now I live by myself. But I just wanted to have a whole house with just me. After they left I took a really long bath. I like baths better when Im not on my period but I showered first. I turned the stereo on and just soaked in the tub and listened to music. After I finished I wanted to walk around naked but I didnt want to do that with a tampon string sticking out! LMAO But u wont believe what I did. I tried on my red bra and thong panty with the white fur and stood in front of the floor mirror and modeled for myself! Its weird cuz even though Im on my period I felt really sexy! And its like my bottom didnt even bother me. I still wish I had a smaller bottom and bigger boobs but still. I guess Im a hottie! LMAO j/k! I dont think Im all that Im just kidding! lol Anyway I didnt wear it long cuz I didnt want Uncle Oz and Nataline to get home early and see me like that! Its funny cuz Im totally comfortable with him seeing me naked. But posing in sexy lingerie is totally different. later Im writing my diary all day long! lol I ordered a pizza and Im watching movies! Its fun! Bud hasnt called yet but maybe hell call later. later I have to tell u about tonight. Parts of it were really special but later I got mad! Im writing this Monday but this is what happened Sunday. First Uncle Oz and Nataline got back when I was writing my diary. They asked if Bud called but I said he didnt. Nataline said maybe I should call him back but I didnt. Finally like half an hour after Nataline left Bud called me. He said he was gone all day and he wished he could have seen me. Then he asked if I could come over? Uncle Oz said he would take me if I wanted him to. But I didnt go. I told Bud I couldnt cuz it was late. But really I could have gone. I thought about what happened. I dont think I got really excited cuz Bud kissed me. I think I was excited that a guy kissed me. It could have been any guy. Ive been feeling like nobody wants to date me cept Deno. But now I know somebody else does. And really even b4 Bud both Herbie and Deno wanted to. And they arent the only ones who think Im attractive or Bud wouldnt have kissed me. And he wouldnt have called me back either cuz guys usually dont. And theres guys who flirt with me online too. But why would Bud call me to come over after it got dark? U dont go to a guys crib at night that u dont really know. And he doesnt know me either. All he knows is that I made out with him. I bet he wanted to do more. But Im not ready for that. Especially not with somebody I really dont know. I told my feelings to Uncle Oz and he just said I had to be true to myself. Of course I told him b4 that was my New Years resolution. I want to be the best me I can be. Its been years since I had any time alone with Uncle Oz. I really love him. He asked if I wanted to see a movie which was sweet. But I said Ive been watching movies all day long! lol So we went for a drive and he let me drive! The desert is really pretty at night. Then we stopped at this little place and got a drink. Of course I didnt drink booze! lol Uncle Oz had beer cuz he said I was his designated driver! lol I thought there would be a lot of ppl there but there wasnt. Then we just talked. Uncle Oz asked me about Herbie and Deno and Bud and everybody. Really he didnt pressure me or anything he just let me talk. I told him about Allen too even though nothings happening with Allen. Oh and he asked about Laura he said he was sorry he didnt get to see her. So then I asked Uncle Oz about Aunt Lizzie and Nataline. And I asked him if he ever thought about getting married. He said he thought about it but he also thought about getting attacked by a bear! lol But he didnt want to do that either. I asked him if that was cuz he wanted to be free. But guess what he told me? He said it was cuz he didnt think he was responsible enough! He really did! And I said “but Uncle Oz you’re more responsible than most guys!” But he said that was the problem cuz he didnt want to be like most guys. He said if he had a wife hed want to totally treat her right and he didnt know if he could do that. Then I said I wasnt sure either. Its like I was with Herbie for two years and he was always sweet to me. And then I broke up with him! But Uncle Oz said that was different. He said “you’re just 17. You still have time to decide what you want to do with your life.” But he didnt say it like he thought I was a little girl or anything. He treats me like a lady. He just meant I have time. But then I thought about Uncle Oz. Hes 43 so he doesnt have much time! I know he can live for many years but I mean he doesnt have as much time as me. Hes really not old he acts young. But then I said something and I cant believe I said this. I said “but who will take care of you when ur really old?” Then he said “I dont know.” I wanted to say “I’ll take care of you Uncle Oz” but I didnt. But I did say “Im sure Benny and Brandy would.” But then he said “I hope nobody ever has to take care of me.” I didnt know what he meant. But he said “I hope I go when Im still young enough to enjoy life.” Then I thought about that. Really I do too. I know some ppl get old and cant do anything anymore they even have to go to nursing homes. Page and Perry r still working but Grandma and Grandpa r retired. Theyre both older than 70 but I dont remember exactly how old. So how much longer will they be able to do things? That is so sad. I know it will be a long time for me b4 Im really old. But what will I do if I cant do anything anymore? I never really thought about it b4. I do not want to get so old I cant do anything! Then Uncle Oz said “r u ok Lorien?” And I said “yes” and then I hugged him. Then as we were going back to the timeshare I thought about all my relatives who r a lot older than me. Someday Ill lose them! I never had anybody die who was really close to me cept Ms. Adelman who helped raise me. Oh and of course Leon whos Beckys dad. He didnt die cuz he was old of course he died in an accident. But someday everybody will be gone! When Uncle Oz and I got back we watched TV and I sat next to him with my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me which was sweet. I felt like a little girl again. I wanted to say something but I was afraid to. But then I cant believe I said this but I said “Uncle Oz?” And he said “what Lorien?” And I said “can I sit on ur lap?” He got quiet for a sec. Then he said “arent u a little old to be sitting on my lap?” And I just said “no.” But then he said “why dont u just sit next to me like u are.” And I wanted to cry! Cuz I thought if I was still a little girl I know hed let me sit on his lap. So why am I too old now? Am I getting old that fast? And then I thought about how fast everything is happening. Its like my little cuzins look older everytime I see them. And Stacy and Carie were little girls not very long ago and now theyre little ladies. And Matthew was a baby and now hell be in preschool soon. Its like everything is happening so fast! But then its weird cuz it seems like with me everything takes forever. It seems like Ive been in high school for 10 years! And of course its only been three and a half. Later I realized why Uncle Oz didnt let me sit on his lap. I was ready to go to bed and I asked him if he could give me a back rub like he used to. Then he said something about me being too old and I was like “Uncle Oz nobody is too old for a backrub!” And then I said “nobody will know anyway cuz nobody else is here.” Then he said “I know.” And thats when I realized what was bothering him. He was worried cuz he was alone with me! And then I got mad! I wasnt mad at Uncle Oz I was just mad. And I said “so if somebody else was here then youd do it?” And he said “Im sorry Lorien but I have to be concerned.” And I said “that is totally not fair!” Then he said “I know.” But then I said “u gave me a backrub b4 when we were alone.” And he said “I know and that might have been a mistake.” But then I said “Uncle Oz nobody is going to think anything. Aunt Lizzie knows u give me backrubs and she gives backrubs all the time! And Mommy wont think anything either and neither will Benny or Brandy. And I dont have to tell anybody anyway!” But then he said “I would really love to rub ur back for u Lorien. And Ill be happy to do it some other time. But not when were alone.” So I just said “I understand” even though really I didnt. It is totally unfair! Its like an older guy cant do anything without being afraid hell get in trouble. And thats not fair to girls either! Especially not to girls with uncles who wont give them backrubs. But I just gave him a hug and put on my nightgown and brushed my teeth and went to bed. And then I started crying! I couldnt help it. Why is it ok for a guy I just met to kiss me and start making out with me? And then its ok for me to go to his place and be alone with him at night? But its not ok for my uncle to give me a backrub? And I just kept crying. I felt like a lost little girl! Then I heard a soft knock on my door. So I just said “come in Uncle Oz.” But he didnt open the door he just said “are u ok Lorien?” I said “Im ok.” But really I wasnt. Then he said “is there something I can do for u?” And of course I wanted to say “yes give me a backrub!” But I didnt. I just said “no Im ok.” Then he said “ok. If u need anything let me know.” Then I thought about Ella and Johnnie. Ella stayed with Johnnie part of the night and hes a lot older than her! And hes not her uncle! But really I think Johnnie was worried about getting in trouble too even though he didnt do anything wrong. But he knew nobody would say anything and I use pseudonyms in my diary. And then I thought about my friend who got in trouble and even got arrested and he didnt do anything wrong either! Its totally unfair. Its like what is wrong with ppl? How can they make laws against love? Finally I fell asleep. I had a dream but Ill write that for tomorrow. |
| Copyright 2006 by Lorien Loveshade |
| My DiArY! |
| I decided to stay here by myself. |
| Bud hasnt called me yet. |
| Happy Nude Year! |
| Ive been thinking I might want to be Herbies girlfriend again |
| But then I thought it would be weird if I called him. |
| I changed my plans again! |
| Finally Bud called me. |
| Its been years since I had any time alone with Uncle Oz. |
| I do not want to get so old I cant do anything! |
| I asked him if he ever thought about getting married. |
| Uncle Oz is 43 so he doesnt have much time! |
| He was worried cuz he was alone with me! |
| How can they make laws against love? |
| Today is the beginning of a New Year and I want to write something important. |
| Why would Bud call me to come over after it got dark? |