Lorien Loveshade's Private Diary Septemberv 16 to 18 2005

Friday September 16 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

Tonights the dance! Deno was talking about it a lot! Really thats
sweet. Hes a kewl guy and a good friend. I wish he could go to
Chipmunks elevation but of course hes not a Wiccan initate yet. Really
I wish everybody who goes to our ceremonies could go! Its really not
fair cuz this way they wont even have a full moon ceremony. But of
course were having one for Mabon and thats next week so thats ok.

And Mommys going to dinner tonight with American! Of course she
used to date him b4 like a year ago. But Im seeing Daddy this
weekend so u know Ill have to tell him! It might make him really
jealous and then maybe hell try to work things out with Mommy! I
hope this works!

Oh I have to tell u what were doing for Prayer at the Pole. They had it
last year at my high school I think they have it at a lot of schools. Ppl
r going to the flagpole early b4 school starts on Wednesday to pray.
Most ppl who do it r Christian but last year Mindy and I went and
prayed to the Goddess! We invoked the God too but everybody prays
to God so we usually invoke the Goddess more to help make a
balance.

But this year I think were getting a lot of ppl! Germana said shes
definitely doing it and I think Mexis going to stand with us. Hes not
really Wiccan but he supports us which is kewl. I think Olives going
to do it which is really good cuz it can help bring us together. Kayla
said shes doing it and so is Deno. They arent regular Wiccans yet but
I think they will be! And Carols doing it which is kewl cuz she just
started high school. I dont think Ellas doing it at her middle school but
really its harder for her cuz she doesnt know many Wiccans there. Ill
have to talk to Wendi cuz I think if she does it then Ella will. Ella can
really surprise u cuz shes spontaneous but sometimes its hard for her
to plan to do something thats hard to do. Wendi plans a lot more so
when she plans to do something she does it.

later

The dance was great! I still cant drive anybody under age 18 and
Deno cant either. So Deno picked me up but his dad Eddie drove us. I
thought Mindy would ride with us but she and Carol went with
Germana and some of my other friends. Deno and Eddie r both sweet.
Eddie looked at me and said “you’re lucky to be in high school, son.”
lol Hes funny cuz hell compliment me by talking to Deno!

I wont describe what everybody wore or all the decorations cuz I
want to focus on my thoughts and feelings. But Ill tell u what Deno
and I wore cuz I know some ppl will want to know.

I wore a lavendar pullover blouse and a black mini skirt. My shoes
were black so they matched my skirt. My underwear didnt totally
match but I wasnt planning on letting Deno see my underwear! lol My
bra was rose but my panties were black thongs.

Deno was wearing a blue button shirt and brown slacks with brown
shoes and a brown belt. I dont know what kind of underwear he wore
but I think they were white briefs. ;) Deno kept asking me did I think
he should have worn a tie and I was like u look fine Deno! Really a lot
of students at the dance were really casual it wasnt a dress up dance.
I just like wearing skirts and dresses to dances cuz I think its fun.
Mindy does too she wore an aqua blouse with an aqua mini skirt she
was really cute.

I had fun with Deno he was really polite. Sometimes I think I wasnt
making him very comfortable cuz he would get worried he wasnt
doing things right. But I told him he was doing everything fine! Its
weird how guys r so different. Some of them want to tell u what to
do and some want u to tell them what to do! lol

I didnt dance with a lot of guys but I danced with Deno of course, V.
P., and Stevie who was Germanas date. But what was really kewl
was Mindy danced with a lot of guys! Its like shes getting really
popular! That is totally kewl. And Carol got to dance with Jimmy!
That was kewl cuz she had a crush on him like two years ago so she
finally got to dance with him! Im so glad she had a good time at her
first high school dance.

Oh and Janela said Winny is doing a lot better they said she might be
able to go back to school next week! So that was really good news.
Janela was totally worried about her little sister. I really dont know
what happened but Im glad shes getting better.

Anyway I felt really different at the dance. Sometimes Id feel being
happy being free. I can date anybody I want or not date anyone if I
dont want to. And of course I have my own apartment in the store so
Im free there too. I can stay up as late as I want and nobody will
know, and I can have anybody I want spend the night and do that as
many times as I want. I even thought if I wanted to I could have
asked Deno to come over!

But then this was weird cuz sometimes Id almost think about Deno
like a boyfriend! Its not cuz of Deno hes a good friend but hes not my
boyfriend. Its just cuz hes the guy I was with. I got used to having a
boyfriend and having someone to be close to, someone I could cuddle
with anytime and kiss and do things with and not have to worry about
getting a date. I dont know cuz I like being free but I also miss Herbie
he was a great boyfriend. Ill see him this weekend but I dont know
how to tell him how I feel. How do u tell someone I really miss being
ur girlfriend but I want to be free?

Anyway at the end of the dance Deno was saying goodnight and I
knew he wanted to kiss me. I just gave him a KOTL last time and he
acted really happy. But this time I thought why not do more? So when
I kissed him I used my tongue! I dont think he was expecting that but
I know he liked it! Its weird cuz really I havent French kissed very
many guys. But I think I want to do more!

A lot of us went out to eat after the dance so I was up really late!
Finally Germana dropped me off at Page and Perrys which is right by
the antique store cuz ppl arent supposed to know I live in the store.
Of course Germana and Mindy and Carol and some others know but
not everybody. Its totally weird having to keep where u live a secret! I
almost felt a little depressed when I got back. I like having my own
place but its also lonely. Ill have to have friends over more often.

Saturday September 17 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

This is weird but when I woke up I thought I had to go to Mrs. Cox
house! We did house cleaning and yard work for her every Saturday
for over a year so its strange not doing it anymore. I really should be
doing more volunteer work.

Guess what? Mommy said she had a good time with American! Hes
really kewl Im glad she had fun. Now Ill have to tell Daddy! ;)

later

Everything changed! Guess whos with me at my cuzins? Becky and
Mindy! Mindy and I were coming with everybody tomorrow for
Chipmunks elevation but Goldina was going to drive here anyway so
we decided why wait? Its good too cuz I get to see Daddy I know he
misses me and I miss him. Hes still asking about Mommy which is
good. I was going to tell him about American but I havent yet. I dont
know why I didnt I guess it just wasnt the right time.

But I got some bad news from Becky. She said Herbie is very
depressed! She sees him at school all the time and of course they
babysit my cuzins together. But she said he just gets where he just
stares and wont even talk much! Poor Herbie! And I was like Becky
why didnt u tell me b4? She said he didnt want her to say anything so
she didnt. But it wasnt her fault. She didnt just tell me I asked her
about it! I guess he really misses me!

later

I called Herbie but he sounded ok to me he sounded happy! Im going
to see him tomorrow b4 Chipmunks elevation were going to have
lunch together. I do miss him!

Anyway Becky and Mindy and I went shopping and got some clothes.
Ok Becky says I have to tell u what else I got. I got my lubricant! :o I
was really embarrassed but Becky said nobody would know what it
was for. I didnt know which one to get cuz somebody said KY jelly is
better and someone else said get Cornhuskers lotion. So I got both! lol
Then we went to Cassies apartment and that got weird!

Its the first time I really got to see it. Its a nice apartment its a lot
bigger than mine! Micky was there too shes Cassies roommate. It
was totally weird going into their apartment knowing somebody was
watching! Ive been on webcam b4 of course and so have Becky and
Mindy. But not with it on all the time!

I dont even remember how many cameras they have but I know they
have a livingroom cam and bedroom cam and even bathroom cam! I
had to use the bathroom and I was like I am straight up not sitting on
the toilet with an audience! Cassie said it had to be on 24/7 so I said
Im going somewhere else! But Micky said they dont leave it on all the
time so Cassie was just kidding. I guess at least one camera is
supposed to be on 24/7 but they dont have to have all of them going
all the time and sometimes they just play a recording. So they turned
the bathroom cam off so nobody could watch me pee! lol But still it
felt totally weird sitting on the toilet knowing there was a camera in
there!

Oh and this is a prob too even though its stupid. The company that
Cassie makes her movies for doesnt like her having the cams! They
said it might cut into sales of her movies or something. But having it
there was their idea! So thats weird. Micky doesnt make any XXX
movies but really I guess if ppl can watch her all the time really she
does!

Then everybody was teasing me. They said I should try using my
dildo on webcam! And I said I am not doing anything downstairs with
everybody in the world watching me! Really I dont even want to use
it with anyone else not even my friends I want to try it by myself. I
hope now that I got lubricant I can get it in there! LMAO Cassie said
maybe I should try a smaller one cuz the one they got me is 12 inches
long. Thats what Beth said too. But I said I dont have another one and
the ones Cassie said I could borrow were used! I am straight up not
using a used dildo! She said shed wash them real good but I was like I
dont think so! And really I dont think the length matters cuz its not
like I have to stick it all the way in! lol

Oh Cassie and Micky r having a bang and Mindy and Becky and I r all
invited! They arent sure when it will be but it will be on a weekend so
Mindy and I can come. So we might be on party cam! lol

Sunday September 18 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

I am really concerned about Chipmunks elevation. I know well talk
about the problems with my branch and Catovida leaving and taking
ppl with him. I hope when they talk to Ella they can get her to change
her mind. The rest of us cept maybe Olive r staying with the branch
including Wendi. And Wendi is Ellas best friend! How can she leave
all her friends?

later

Poor Herbie! He really misses me and he has been depressed! Why
didnt anybody tell me? And I learned something about my coven I
didnt know. I might have caused a problem and didnt even know it!

I didnt think Herbie would miss me that much after we broke up cuz
we havent even lived in the same town for two years anyway. But he
said when I was his girlfriend he always knew I was there. So even
when he missed me he still knew he had me. So I felt really bad about
that! I told him that I didnt break up with him cuz I didnt like him its
just I needed a chance to be free. But then I thought what if he asks if
Im dating anybody? Cuz I dont have a boyfriend but I did just go to
the dance with Deno! So I just said I went with friends but really I
feel bad about telling him that. I mean its true but still! Deno and I r
just friends I just French kissed him once at the end of the dance but
really maybe I shouldnt have done that.

And then this is definitely bad. Ella isnt even coming to the elevation! I
was like how is everybody going to talk to her if she isnt even here?
Carol is coming with Goldina so thats good. But I wish Ella was
coming!

And then guess what I found out? B4 Dolphinia asked to join our
coven there was a couple who wanted to join. But we had 12
members and we cant have more than 13 so they couldnt. But nobody
even told me about that! If I wasnt a member of the coven they could
have joined! And then I started thinking is that fair? Cuz I live an hour
away and I cant even go to most of my coven meetings. I got both
my coven and my branch but that couple doesnt have anything! So I
felt really bad. They told me not to but I dont know. Is that really fair?

And I found out Chipmunk has been an initiate for more than two
years. I thought it was a year and a half but its been a lot longer. She
thought our coven needed at least one initiate so she didnt try to get
elevated until she knew we were getting a new one! So that was sad.
Shes a great member so Im glad shes going to be a full Wiccan now.
Oh and shes changing her WIccan name but Ill talk about that after
the ceremony. Were going to bring in Dolphinia as our last member
but Im not sure when. But is that fair? Is it fair that we cant have
anymore members cuz Im in a coven and a branch?

later

Guess what my coven told me? They said that they really like me
being a member and thats why they worked things out the way they
did! They said Im very important to them and Im doing an important
service by being my covens representative for the branch. So its
totally not a problem that I dont live there really its good! So that was
totally cool. I feel a lot better now!

And Chipmunks ceremony was really good. I guess I should call her
Cobrana now I have to remember her new name. Cobrana is from the
cobra snake. Of course she likes snakes. Shes a special person and
Im glad shes now a full Wiccan! I would tell u more about her
elevation but really it was a lot like mine and I already wrote about
that. But its kewl!

later

I know u want to know if I tried using my XXXmas present. After I
got home alone I decided to try it! But this time with lubricant. But the
bad news is it straight up didnt work!

If u dont want to know all the details u better skip this part and read
the next day!

B4 I did anything I thought about what Beth said. She said some guys
like it when a girl still has her cherry! But losing ur cherry can mean
two different things. It can mean breaking ur hymen and it can also
mean losing ur virginity so it gets confusing. Using a dildo can break
ur hymen but ur still a virgin! Only penises count. But I couldnt get a
dildo inside me when I tried it b4. And if I cant get anything in me
downstairs I dont think any guys going to like that! So I decided to
try it.

I was alone in my apartment, I had my lubricant, and I was feeling
totally horny. So I thought now is the time! First I had to decide
which lubricant to use. The KY Jelly is good its clearer and thicker
than Cornhuskers. But Cornhuskers feels more natural and it rubbed
into my hand better. I couldnt decide which one to use so I used both!

First I rubbed some KY jelly all around me downstairs and even put a
little on my finger to get it inside. I dont usually put my finger in there
cuz Im too tight but I can get it in a little. And then I used some of the
Cornhuskers and did the same thing. Then I tried mixing them
together. Really I think it would work better with just one but I got
them mixed. But then I thought maybe I should use some more so I
did. And then I used even more! I had so much lubricant between my
legs I thought I could I push in a telephone pole! LMAO j/k

My dildo doesnt vibrate but really Im glad. I used one of Beckys
vibrators b4 but I like using my fingers better cuz a vibrator is almost
too much stimulation. She washed it good b4 I used it and it wasnt
the kind u stick inside so that was ok. But I dont want something
pushed inside me thats been inside somebody else!

I decided to use just my fingers and the dildo. I rubbed myself a lot
with my fingers and it felt really good! I think I used too much
lubricant cuz I was totally slippery downstairs I was dripping all over.
I had to use a towel on my bed to catch the drips! But then I thought
that was good cuz it could help me get it in.

Then I thought about a fantasy but I dont know if I should tell u what
it is! lol Ok if u must know its a totally new fantasy. I thought about a
guy licking me downstairs! That parts hot but its not new. But the
next part is. Remember I used two lubricants? So I thought about
somebody else joining the guy and licking me too! And the second
person is a girl! Please dont think Im weird! Im not really bi but
sometimes I think about it. But its just a fantasy! I thought about what
the guy and girl look like and how they both give me advise and how
they care about me. I wont tell u who they r cuz they read my diary
so dont ask! But Ill tell u the guy and the girl r both ppl I know online!
;) But dont ask me who they r cuz I straight up wont tell u! LMAO
And I definitely wont tell them!

Fantasizing about them both licking me was making me really horny
and really wet! I thought about their tongues moving all around my
opening and even licking together. It was like my fingers were their
tongues. I even thought about them French kissing each other with
their tongues inside me! I was totally hot! I felt excited b4 I even
started and I was feeling really excited. It felt sooo good! After a
while I knew I was almost ready to cum!

So I thought this is it! So I held my dildo right over my opening and
touched myself with it as I rubbed myself with my left hand. I usually
rub with my right hand but it was holding the dildo! So I aimed my
present where it could slip right inside me. And with both lubricants
and my own juices I was so wet I was dripping all over the towel! I
am not kidding!

And then I thought about the guy and the girl really Frenching each
other like crazy with their tongues and licking my clit together as I
was rubbing myself. And they were both on their knees. And then I
thought about the guy moving over the girl and her spreading her legs.
And then I imagined him moving and sliding right inside her! They
were doing it while they were both licking me! Oh God I felt hot! It
felt so good I almost couldnt stand it! I knew it was almost time to
push in my dildo. So I imagined them moving and the girl started
sucking on my breasts! And then the guy moved and pushed right into
me! He was having sex with me! And then it happened. I started
coming! It was time!

So I pushed the dildo really hard! I wanted it to slip it deep inside me
right as I came. I really wanted it to happen that way.

But my dildo didnt go in! It hurt! It was so weird cuz I was coming
but then when it hurt it almost stopped but it didnt cuz I kept
cumming. But it hurt at the same time! But then it was over quick it
didnt last very long. But the dildo still didnt go in! It sucked!

So now Im like what do I do? If I cant get a dildo in there how can I
ever have sex? Am I going to be a virgin for the rest of my life?