Lorien Loveshade's Private Diary September 12 to 15 2005

Monday September 12 2005

Dear Mr Biggles

Guess what Germana wants to teach Mindy and I to do?
Bellydancing! Of course we both love to dance so that would be
kewl! Also she might be starting the Texas holdem poker games again
so I might do that. But I dont know cuz I dont have much time I am
so busy!

Deno keeps talking about the Back to School Dance! Its like he thinks
Im going to change my mind about going with him or something. I
am straight up not changing my mind! Mindys going she doesnt have
a date but she doesnt care. U dont need a date to go to a dance!
Germanas going with Stevie, Kaylas going with Scott, but Britneys
going by herself. Thats not the Britney who used to date Adrian shes
not even talking to us anymore. This is the Britney who really likes
butterflies and always wears perfume. I only wear a little like when
Im going on a date or something but thats ok.

Really Chelsea hasnt even talked much to me this year I dont know
why. Germana said ppl hang with her a lot til they find out shes not
giving them any bling bling then they disappear. Its totally sad but its
true. Its like nobody who was hanging with her at the beginning of
last year still is cept me! She says sometimes she wishes she wasnt
rich! Austra doesnt have that prob but its like everybody wears school
uniforms at her Catholic school so they dont know shes rich anyway.
I guess some do but a lot of ppl at Catholic school r rich so it doesnt
matter.

I still havent heard what Catovida said about coming back to our
Wiccan Branch. All he has to do is say hes sorry!

later

I really dont want to be here all by myself! I know I said I was getting
used to it but I dont know. It gets totally quiet when everybody
leaves! And nobody but me is even here on Mondays! My room is in a
big store so I cant even hear many sounds from outside. I have a
window in my bathroom but I dont even have a real window in my
bedroom cuz everythings blocked. They said they would fix it but I
dont know when! I have my radio or the TV on almost all the time
and I never used to do that.

Ill have to invite ppl over to spend the night more. I only have one bed
but I got a sleeping bag and a lof of my friends dont mind sharing a
bed anyway cuz I got a big bed. Of course Mindy doesnt mind! lol
Ella sleeps with her sisters they all have their own bed but theyre all
pushed together. She doesnt do cuddles but she doesnt mind sharing a
bed. And I dont think Germana minds either. I dont know about Carol
but really Im not even seeing her as much anymore! Its weird cuz
shes going to my high school now but I dont see her! I used to do
cuddles with Laura when we were kids but of course shes in
Chicago. And Becky lives an hour away. At least I have Mr Biggles!
But thats a problem cuz everytime I want to let him out I have to walk
all the way thru the store. At least theres no customers here at night
and of course theres no one here on Mondays. Ok Ill stop writing
about that Im just making myself depressed!

later

Guess what? Germanas coming over and spending the night with me
tomorrow! Were going to the fitness center with Mindy first and
maybe Carol or Ella I dont know. Then shes coming here after. This
should be kewl! But I have to get some guest towels!

Tuesday September 13 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

I cant wait til I get to do real Peer Counseling. I really like practicing
and Im learning a lot. Ill have to tell Vince about it tonight cuz of
course hes a psychologist. Germana was coming to my crib but plans
got changed so Im going to hers.

Kimberly is still talking about her birthday party isnt that sweet? Im
really glad she liked it. Shes still talking about planning another party!
lol Of course her real 10th birthday is tomorrow. But really she could
have a party for anything! It could be for Halloween or whatever.

later

I have some really bad news! Catovida doesnt want to apologize and
he still wants to start his own coven! I could not believe it! And Olive
and Ella both want to join his! How can they do this? R they really
going to leave their friends to join some other group just so they can
be elevated early? Thats stupid!

Germana even said she was going to join! But then she asked would
that mean we couldnt be friends anymore? And I was like Germana ur
one of my best friends even if u werent Wiccan at all ur still my
friend! Then she said she was just testing. I wish shed stop doing
that! Ok Ill write more later cuz Im at her crib and she doesnt like
watching me write my diary. She thinks Ill change the way I write it
or something so shell read it later. But I am really upset about my
Branch! It just started and now its already splitting in two?

later

I wasnt going to talk about my Wicca problem with Germanas family
but I did! They have a rule that when u share something at dinner that
everybody has to be quiet and listen. Monica wasnt there at first she
got home late. Im making an appointment to get my teeth cleaned
again cuz I know Perry wants me to. I couldnt make it at Germanas
house I have to call the office. Its weird cuz Perry doesnt believe in
doctors but he wants me going to the dentist twice a year! Monica
said thats the best way to do it cuz it helps keep ur teeth clean and
that way they can find problems b4 they get big.

Anyway I didnt tell Germanas family any private details about our
Branch but of course Austra has a right to know about it. After I
shared then I had to say I was finished and I wanted comments.
Really thats a good rule cuz u know everyone really listens to u. Mexi
said it sucked and Catovida shouldnt do it.

Austra said if somebody wants to leave then let them leave which
really is true. Shes only 10 but shes really wise. Sometimes she
reminds me of Ms. Adelman who helped raise me. But Im 7 years
older than Austra!

Its weird cuz Kimberly will be 10 tomorrow and shes French kissed
boys and I think Garrett touched her upstairs. And Im sure shes done
things with Rodney her little brother and hes 8. Kimberly talks and
acts like a little girl whos trying to be a teenager. But Austra hasnt
doing anything like that and she sounds and acts like a wise woman.
Sometimes I almost think the more mature u r the less u think about
sex. Its almost like sex is for kids! LMAO Im just kidding dont be
mad! But really I liked pornography better when I was like 12 or 13
than I do now. It just gets old after a while.

Anyway Vince didnt really say what he thought about the problems
with my branch he just asked me questions. Germana said he does
that cuz it helps u to find ur own answers. Really hes wise too.

Then we went to the center with Mindy and Carol. Ella wasnt there
but we know she wants to leave the Branch! That totally sucks. Shes
only doing it cuz she wants to get elevated to full Wiccan early. But
she doesnt have long to wait! I have to check with Wendi and see if
shes still planning to stay. I hope she is! And I dont know what to do
about Olive!

After Germana and I went back we used the guest room and then she
talked about what I wrote in my diary. I mean about sleeping with
other girls. She said she doesnt mind sharing a bed but she thinks of
sleeping together as having sex! She said that about nudity too. Really
she said most ppl do! I guess they do but really thats not what its
about. Sleeping together really has nothing to do with sex and being
naked doesnt either! Ive never done anything sexy at a nude beach
and Herbie and I slept together and didnt do very much just a little. I
did more with my old boyfriend and that was in a church! Somebody
said u can be naked without having sex and u can have sex without
being naked! lol Really thats true.

I know Germanas going to read this but I still dont know if shes bi or
not! I know shes experimented and of course I saw her do Frenchies
with Becky but I did a little too. But that doesnt mean ur bi. But she
really likes old movie stars especially the woman. Of course a woman
can like looking at other woman and not be lesbian or bi! lol Her
favorite is Jean Harlow but she likes a lot of old movie stars. She says
black and white movies were sexier than color cuz u had to imagine
what was happening. She also said a lot of the women were lesbian
and most of them were bi! And I guess a lot of the guys were bi or
gay. Really thats sad cuz they didnt make any gay or bi movies then u
had to hide it all the time. Why should u have to hide who u r?

Oh and I talked about my problem with Germana too. If u dont know
Im a virgin and I plan to be for a while. Germana isnt but thats ok
shes happy not being a virgin. Reallys its weird why is there a word
that means ur a virgin but theres no word that means u arent one?
Anyway even though Im a virgin I want to practice b4 I have sex
with a guy cuz I know it can hurt the first time. I dont want my first
time with a man I love to hurt! And Aunt Ebee practiced and she said
it didnt hurt at all the first time with Uncle Frankie she just got a little
sore after.

Ok I should tell u about my present in case u dont know. Cassie and
Lindsey and Becky got me this dildo for Christmas so it was my
XXXmas present! lol Really it was a joke cuz its a foot long! :o It
doesnt vibrate but it looks totally real its pink and its shaped like a real
one it even has balls. But 12 inches? Anyway my prob is Ive tried to
use it a few times downstairs and I cant get it in there! It goes in a
little and thats it. And I mean it barely goes in really not at all!

So Germana was talking about sex and I told her that. And she said I
just have to force it! But Im like I did try to force it even when it hurt
but it still wouldnt go in! And its weird cuz I use a tampon sometimes
and I dont have much problem getting those in. Sometimes they dont
go in right away but really I have more problems getting them out! I
know that sounds weird but its true. So I dont know what my
problem is. But I told her Im going to try it again. If I cant get
anything in there Im going to be a virgin for the rest of my life! I
know thats what Austra wants to do but I straight up dont!

Ok Ill talk about something else and this is cool. Germana and I r
going to work on making a section of my website for her! I have just
two websites right now really three but Im giving one to somebody
else. But I mean my main website the one where I post my diary. Ive
got a little section for Becky and Mindy but I want a section for all of
my best friends. My best friends r the only ones who know me IRL
who read my diary. Becky and I have to write the tribute for her
Daddy I cant believe we havent done that yet! Ill see her this weekend
so maybe we can work on it then.

Im going to the Back to School dance here on Friday then Sunday my
coven is elevating Chipmunk! I think shes going to change her
WIccan name at the ceremony which nobody else did but thats ok.
But Im wondering how will my coven feel that we cant keep our
branch together? Thats a major problem. I dont know what Im doing
Saturday yet but maybe Ill see Becky and everybody maybe I can talk
to Miss Sasha and Aunt Eva. And I have to do homework Im
spending all my time writing my diary! Germanas got this keyboarding
test I want to take cuz it tells u how fast u type and helps u with ur
speed. I have to learn to type faster or I cant write everything!

Wednesday September 14 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

Wednesdays r crazy! I go to high school, then go home for lunch,
then have to go to babysitting, then have dinner by myself, then have
Spanish, then come home. Im busy all day long! I did something like
that on Wednesdays last school year but I wasnt having to ride the
bus so much! It was easier when I babysat Kimberly and Rodney in
the apartments cuz thats right where I lived.

Kimberly told me like a hundred times shes 10 today! lol Shes really
excited about it. She wants to have a Halloween party and she already
has lots of plans. I think she wants to be a party planner too! lol

Im putting a section on party planning on my main website. And
guess what? I have over 100 pages on there now! I couldnt believe I
have so many pages! I think my part is the biggest part of the website!

later

Guess what? They decided that they cant make u say “under God” in
the pledge of allegiance! Isnt that kewl? I think its just for California
but it might be for all America! That is so kewl. Its totally unfair cuz
some ppl believe in both a God and Goddess and were forced to say
just God. But really when Mindy and I say it we say “under God and
Goddess!” I know we could get in trouble but we have to stand by
our beliefs. And some ppl dont believe in God and theyre forced to
say it too. U shouldnt be forced to violate ur religion! That is totally
not right.

I dont know whats happened with gays getting married in California I
have to find out. I hope the Govinator doesnt veto it!

And of course Im still worried about my Wiccan Branch. I know well
talk about it at Chipmunks elevation Sunday and thats sad. Her
elevation should be a time for happiness not for talking about a major
problem! But maybe it will help bring everybody together. I hope so! I
wish the Autumn Equinox was on the weekend cuz then we could all
come together for that too. At least we can all meet Sunday. We need
to work together in harmony. Were all part of the same earth and the
same religion. Were all brothers and sisters under the God and
Goddess and need to stick together like a family.

Thursday September 15 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

I have a lot to talk about but Im trying to make my diary shorter. I
have good news about Mommy but Ill tell u later. Mindys with me
right now cuz were spending the night together. I am so glad I dont
have Daddys one night a week rule anymore! He used to say I could
only spend the night at someones house or have them spend the night
with me one night a week which sucked! He thought I wouldnt get
my homework done but that is totally not true! Im behind on my
homework but thats just cuz Ive been so busy! But Im catching up
cuz I can do it when Im babysitting.

We talked to Ella at the center and she still says she plans to join
Catovidas coven! Why would she leave her friends to join a coven led
by a guy she doesnt even know very well? I know its cuz she wants
to be elevated to full Wiccan earlier but she doesnt have to wait that
long if she stays! But I think shes still going Sunday so thats good.
Maybe we can talk her into staying! Usually my coven wouldnt have
anyone else there at an elevation but cuz were a branch its ok. But
really I think its also to help bring us all together. I wish Catovida
would go too but I dont think he is. Only my coven members and full
members of my branch can go which r Goldina, Catovida, Mindy,
Ella, Carol, and me. Goldina and Mindy and I r going and I hope Ella
and Carol r too.

Ok heres my news about Mommy. Shes going out to dinner with
American! Isnt that kewl? Mindy thinks its kewl too. American is
Mindys great uncle and Mommy and American dated b4. That was
the first time Mommy and Daddy were separated. I like American but
the part thats cool is it can make Daddy jealous! Last time when he
came back to California Mommy stopped dating American. So this
might help bring Mommy and Daddy back together!

later

I got advise on using my XXXmas present! Cuz of course I havent
been able to get it in. Beth thats Steve Steves friend not Beckys sister
gave me some good advise. She said I should start with a smaller
dildo cuz mine might be too big. She said I should work up to a big
one. And I should make sure Im totally horny b4 I use one and then I
can use KY jelly. She said if I dont have any I can use saliva but KY
jelly is better. I dont know why I didnt try using a lubricant b4 that
was stupid! I guess Ive been embarrassed to buy any but ppl wont
know what Im using it for! And really I dont know why but I feel
funny about using my own spit downstairs. Of course I know ppl lick
girls downstairs all the time and of course then ur getting somebody
elses saliva. But it just seems weird having spit down there! :

Somebody I know online told me something but I dont know if I
should say who it is. She said sometimes she had a hard time getting a
tampon out too so Im not the only one! She thinks its cuz it soaks up
all ur fluid so u dont have lubrication. But guess what else she told
me? She said if she was here she could help me get my dildo in! :o
Really shes sweet and I know she wants to help. But that is a totally
personal thing and I havent even met her IRL! But its still sweet she
gives me good advise. And guess what else she said? She said reading
about my problem made her horny! lol Really it was weird cuz reading
her advise made me and Mindy horny! So u can guess what we did!
It was sharies time! ;)

Ok I made a decision. I almost wanted to try using my XXXmas
present tonight cuz I can totally trust Mindy. Really I think Id feel
comfortable trying it with her. But I think Ill try it by myself first
maybe tomorrow. But I have to get some lubricant first!