Lorien Loveshade's Private Diary August 21 to 24 2005

Sunday August 21 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

U wont believe what Ella told us! But that was later so Ill tell u later.

We had a big breakfast this morning! Carma was up early so when
we woke up breakfast was already ready! Really I usually dont eat a
lot for breakfast but this morning I was hungry. We didnt have any
ham or sausage of course cuz Carmas Jewish. But she made these
little balls out of hamburger I dont remember what theyre called but
they were really good! And I had scrambled eggs. I really dont like
having soda for breakfast even though some ppl do so I just had milk
and Mindy did too.

Then guess what we did? We went yard saleing! lol Of course
Saturdays the best day for yard sales or sometimes even Friday
evening but thats ok. But guess what Wendi gave me? A figurine for
my collection! I didnt think shed find anything good at a yard sale but
she said she knew she would and she did! She gave me a ghost! And
of course thats what her stories about. Its really a candle but thats ok
cuz I have candles in my collection. Its white with black eyes and a
mouth and it looks kewl! The ppl at the sale thought she was getting it
for Halloween but of course she wasnt. Its to represent her in my
collection.

Oh I totally forgot to tell u what I got Ella for her birthday! I got her
these shorts that she likes they look like satin. I got her two pair cuz
they were on sale but I didnt tell her that! lol Really she wouldnt care.
Of course she really likes wearing shorts but now I know why! lol

So we were talking about presents and then Ella told us and u straight
up wont believe it! Theres this guy she knows online and really I
know him too I knew him first! He talked about meeting her b4 but it
didnt happen. But he said hes coming to visit her so he can give her a
birthday present! And he wants to meet her tomorrow!

But this is weird cuz Ive known him longer online than Ella and he
didnt even say he wanted to meet me! Ella doesnt want me to tell him
but she doesnt know I write everything in my diary and of course he
reads this. Hes a kewl friend but Im like why doesnt he want to meet
me too?

But I dont know. I havent known him as long as I knew Harmony. I
knew Harmony for five years when I met him! And Harmony wanted
my parents to know and wanted to meet in public the first time I met
him. But Ellas friend doesnt want her to tell her parents! Really he told
her dont tell anybody! He said thats just so she doesnt get in trouble
but I dont know. But I dont want him to be mad cuz I know he reads
this! But really its for his own protection thats why Harmony met me
that way. If u let other ppl know and u meet in public then they know
ur trying to be safe.

I know Cassie met a guy and her parents didnt know but Cassies had
a lot of experience more than Ella. And Cassies 18 and Ellas only 12!
Ok Cassie was younger the first time and Ella will be 13 on Tuesday
but still. If she meets him tomorrow shell still be 12! Anyway I sent
him an email and I said we could meet him but it would be both of us
and wed meet in public like at a restaurant or something. Cuz really
thats for his own protection. And Im still like why didnt he say he
wanted to meet me?

Ok Ill talk about something else. Guess who called me? Deno! Im like
our date isnt til Thursday and hes already calling me about it! lol
Really hes sweet. Mindy thinks he likes me but I think its just as
friends.

I still think about Herbie I really miss being his girlfriend. But really I
know I made the right decision. I have to be free for awhile.

later

Ok I got an email from Ellas friend and of course hes my friend too.
He said of course he wants to meet me too he just didnt think I would
want to meet him if my Mommy didnt know. He said its ok if we
meet in a restaurant cuz that way well know hes safe. But he doesnt
want us to tell our parents cuz he doesnt want us to get in trouble. But
really I already told him I wont get in trouble if I tell Mommy but I
guess hes worried about Ella. But I dont know. Cuz he says he doesnt
want us telling anybody about it. I havent posted anything about it yet
so really I havent told anybody but of course Wendi and Mindy know.
It just seems weird.

Monday August 22 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

We got things to do for school of course and Im taking Justin with
me for babysitting to give Mindy a break but I dont even feel like
writing about that now. I am totally nervous! I promised my friend I
wouldnt tell anybody about him not til after we meet him and I always
keep my promises. But its weird cuz I always ask ppl for advise b4 I
do anything! I mean anything like this! But I havent even asked
anybody. Im not even posting this til after it happens. But I dont know
if it will happen!

Ella told her parents she has to do something for school and she
wants me to drive her to the restaurant. But Im like Im not supposed
to drive anybody under age 18 til Ive had my license for six months!
But she wants me to do it anyway! I wish I had a fake ID like Becky
cuz then it wouldnt be a problem. But I dont know. My tummy is in
knots! I have to decide what to do and I cant ask anybody for advice!

later

Ok I am totally nervous! I realized I could ask Mindy or Wendi of
course cuz they already know about it. But Mindy says dont go and
Wendi says go! Wendi said ppl meet other ppl over the Internet all the
time and of course thats true. And I know the government lies all the
time so u cant trust what they say about it and the police lie too. But
Mindy says I should tell Mommy first or at least she should tell her
parents so somebody knows. I wish I could ask somebody for advise
but I promised I wouldnt! Why did I promise? And I got another
friend Im totally worried about cuz the police r trying to set him up
again but I cant talk about that either! Its like now u cant trust
anybody! So what do I do?

I just checked and were supposed to meet him in an hour! I have to
get ready!

later

Ok I dont even know how to write this. My friend reads my diary all
the time so I know hes going to read this. And I know hes going to be
pissed. Cuz we didnt go! Ella is totally mad at me too! Cuz I said no
way could I drive her there cuz thats not even legal. And she couldnt
get anybody else to drive her either. Im afraid to check my email cuz I
know hell be pissed. But I dont know. Really I think hes safe hes a
good friend. But Im worried about Ella! Cuz sometimes she just does
things without thinking. Shes really smart but shes spontaneous like
Becky. So its like I think hes safe. But what about somebody else?
She might just start meeting every guy who emails her and that is
totally not safe! But still I know hell be mad at me. Really if ur reading
this I am totally sorry! I really trust u I just dont want Ella to get
herself in danger with somebody else. Please dont be mad!

Tuesday August 23 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

I really want to write something special for today cuz its my online
diarys fourth birthday! Its four years old today! And its also six years
today since I had my first period which is when I became a woman
by nature.

And its also Ellas 13th birthday! But thats what makes it hard. I called
her and talked to Holden and he said she didnt even want to talk to
me! He didnt say it that way but I know what he meant. I feel really
bad but I didnt know what to do. And the other thing thats hard is a
really good friend of mine has a test today and hes totally worried
about it! Its not a regular test its a really important test and he straight
up cant fail it! Im sorry but I cant tell u what it is but Im really
worried about him too!

Right now my life sucks! And we have to move even though Im
almost totally moved out. I did some more today. But Mommy is
totally behind! Were supposed to go to Uncle Oz timeshare this
weekend but Im like how is she going to be ready? I really want to
see Uncle Oz and Benny and Brandy and everybody but right now Im
worried about my friends! And I cant even talk about it this sucks! I
cant even post this til I talk to Ella. Im not even telling my friends in
email and that sucks cuz I like to tell them everything. But I cant even
do that!

later

I got some good news! My friend passed his test! I cant tell u what it
is but it was totally important so Im really glad for him!

Now I wish Ella would talk to me!

later

I just talked to Wendi and u wont believe what she told me. Ella met
her friend! Ok I should explain that the friend who wanted to meet her
is not the same friend who passed the test. It gets totally confusing!
But I cant write their names. Anyway I was like how? Cuz Ella didnt
have any way to get there! I think she said she was going to meet
somebody to go school shopping or something I dont know how it
worked. Anyway she met him yesterday and I didnt even know about
it! And Wendi said Ella is still pissed at me!

I dont know what happened but Ella told Wendi shes really glad she
met him. So now I feel really bad cuz I should have met him too! I
dont know why I panicked that was stupid! Ive known him online for
like a year really I think its longer so why didnt I meet him? I know
Ella wont read this but Im totally sorry. Ok hell read it so Ill tell him
Im totally sorry! Sometimes I just get really stupid its like brain fart! I
guess its just cuz he didnt want anybody to know. But I guess thats
cuz he didnt want us to get in trouble. Anyway I guess I can post this
now. But I wanted to write something really special for today and
now I dont know what to write! My life sucks!

later

I started posting my diary online four years ago today. I was just 13
1/2 and started a new website about two months b4 then. I had a
small one b4 but the site with my diary was my first real website.
Now its an old website I dont even use anymore. I dont even know if
its still there. I posted my diary cuz I wanted to share what happened
to me so ppl I knew online could read it. I never called it a blog I dont
even think I knew what a blog was.

I met a lot of good friends that way but most of them I dont even
hear from anymore. Its like on the Internet u can make friends and
then ur good friends and share everything with each other. And u give
each other advise and u can get really close. Then one day u dont hear
from them much anymore. Then u realize theyre gone. U might never
hear from them again.

I didnt write very much that first day. Im writing a lot more now
really I think Im writing too much. The first day I posted my diary I
just told about my family and Mr Biggles and how I burned my finger
trying to cook. I wasnt a good cook then and Im still not. I can cook
breakfast and make smores thats all.

Its weird cuz just a few days later I learned Laura my best friend was
moving. She was my only best friend then. I knew Becky and we
were friends but not as close as we r now. Of course I hadnt met
Mindy yet or Germana. And then a few days after that was September
11 and everything changed.

Its strange how ur life changes. I thought Laura and I would go all the
way through middle school and then high school together but it didnt
happen. I see her sometimes when she visits but thats it. I think shell
finally be able to email me when school starts but well both be seniors
now. Its been such a long time. Life just goes by so fast. It doesnt
seem very long since I was excited about going into 8th grade, my
last year of middle school. Now it will be 12th grade, my last year in
high school.

Have I grown much in the past four years? Am I more mature? I
think I am. I was an adult by nature when I had my first period six
years ago today. But I really felt like I became a real adult the day I
became a full Wiccan. I was 14 1/2 almost 15. Ive had a lot of
responsibilties and am helping raise Matthew and really Im helping
raise Kimberly and Rodney. I see them every day cept weekends.
They talk to me and share with me and ask me questions about life.
Its almost like what Ms. Adelman did for me cuz she helped raise me
from when I was 2 to when I was 10. I helped Garrett too until this
month and I really miss him. And I babysat many others. Matthew
asks a lot of questions and I help him too. Hes my younger brother
but really Im almost like his aunt.

In a few months Ill be 18 and Im excited about that. But then I know
after Im 18 then Ill be waiting til Im 21 and will be excited about that.
But what comes after that? Is there any age thats exciting after that?
So what else is there? Graduation from college? Getting married?
Having kids? Having a career? Becoming a High Priestess of a coven?

Sometimes it seems like all of life is waiting for something to happen.
But what ur excited about today will just be routine a month later. I
was really excited about my vacation but now thats just a memory. I
was excited about starting college and even high school but those r
now routine. In a year high school will be gone. Ill be an adult by law
then and that will be exciting. It will be like starting a new life. But I
know even that will become routine. Everything does. Everything
fades. And someday my whole life will be gone and Ill be starting
another one. Everything will begin from the beginning. Everything will
start all over again. How much of what I did in this life will I carry
with me? Will all my memories of this life just fade away?

I want to do good in this life. I really do. I want to help ppl and help
make this a better world. But what have I done? Ive babysat and
supported my friends and my family especially helping Matthew. And
I did volunteer work to help Mrs. Cox but Im not even doing that
anymore. And I broke up with a boyfriend I loved just so I could be
free. Free to do what?

I want to be free to be me. But who am I? Why am I here? What is
my purpose in this life? Do I even have a purpose? I know I do cuz
everybody does. But what is mine?

And really heres the biggest question of all. For really my whole life
like anybodys life is just memories and the future. I know what my
memories r but the future is unknown. So the biggest question of all is
this. Who is the me that I will become?

Wednesday August 24 2005

Dear Mr Biggles

Im writing my diary differently that I was. I dont even know if Ill
write it to Mr Biggles anymore. Really its silly writing a diary to ur
cat! lol But I guess it doesnt matter.

What matters is my friends. Ella still hasnt talked to me! It really hurts
me it really does. But I talked to Mindy about it. She said I did what I
thought was right. So really should I have done anything else? But I
told her I should have cuz I did the wrong thing. Ella almost didnt get
to meet her friend cuz of me and I definitely didnt get to meet him and
hes my friend too. I hope he still is. Ive emailed him and I havent even
heard from him!

later

Ok I just checked my email and he wrote me and I feel really bad! He
said he really wishes he could have seen me! He said hes not mad
anymore but that means he was. I think I really hurt him I am so
sorry! He wasnt here very long so I totally missed my chance to meet
him. This sucks! Why am I such a chicken? He said he might not
even care if I write who he was but I dont think hes sure so I wont.
But I know I can post it now. And I know I have to talk to Ella.

later

I talked to Wendi again and she said Ella isnt as mad anymore! She
thinks shes just a little mad but Ella might want to talk to me soon. I
hope so! Shes a great friend and I want to tell her Im sorry! I totally
f**ked up.

Oh and Wendi told me something else I wish she told me this b4! But
her stepdad learned we meet at ppls homes sometimes. I mean my
branch does. And she promised him wed meet at her place so he
could meet everybody! Really he met most of us already thats why he
let Wendi come to the esbats cuz he hardly let her go b4. I think it
was Miss Sasha and Goldina who convinced him cuz they he saw
there were mature women who were in charge. I dont think he trusts
men a lot of guys dont. My Daddy doesnt either. But its like if ur a
man why wouldnt u trust men? Is that cuz u dont trust urself?
Anyway I have to talk to everybody about meeting at Wendis.

Catovida still hasnt told us when he wants to meet without Miss Sasha
there. Really I dont know if thats right. But Goldina said sometimes its
good to do that cuz u can discuss things openly. So I guess we will I
just dont know when.

I am totally moving out tomorrow. I want to be finished b4 this
weekend I wish Mommy was finished! I dont care what she does Im
going with Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Oz to the beach timeshare on Friday
and Mindys coming with me! Im going if Mommys ready or not and
she cant stop me! And really we dont have to be out til the first so she
still has time anyway!

Tomorrow I have my friendship date with Deno. I dont know why
Im nervous cuz were just going out as friends. I explained that but
still. I hope Deno understands that!