Lorien Loveshade's Private Diary July 16 to 17 2005

Saturday July 16 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

Today is the day I tell Herbie Im going to break up with him! But now
Im like I dont want to do it! I really like Herbie hes really sweet. And
its not really breaking up its just not renewing our promise cuz were
promised til Aug. 6. Ok Becky says I wrote all this b4 like a million
times. But I couldnt hardly sleep last night. Poor Becky said she
couldnt sleep much either cuz I was tossing so much I kept waking
her up! Im sorry Becky! She says its ok she understands.

Its weird cuz now Becky will have a boyfriend and I wont! Its always
been the other way. Oh Becky says she could have had lots of
boyfriends she just didnt want to. Really thats true cuz shes really
popular more popular than me. She says she could have lots of
girlfriends too! lol If u dont know Becky is bi.

Ok I have to get ready to see Herbie. I cant believe Im going to do
this!

later

It was so sad!

First Herbie came over here. Of course he and Becky babysit my
cuzins a lot and Denise and Nolan really like him. Daddy liked him
when he was my math tutor but now I dont know about Daddy. I
dont think he wants me dating anybody.

Anyway we just hung out and then we went to the mall a lot of us
went. I was going to go alone with Herbie but its like I was afraid to!
Of course Im not afraid of Herbie but I was afraid of telling him. The
ones who went were Denise and Nolan who r my cuzins, their kids
who r Darby, Cari, Gracie, and Casey, Becky, Herbie, and me. Daddy
didnt go. We saw Alfonso and Fonda there but we didnt see Linda. If
u dont know those r Lindas parents.

Becky and I both got a three tiered skirt thats cute. Its pink with
flowers. And I got a belt thats black with silver stars cut out. They
arent Pentagrams but they got five points.

But then this was really sad cuz Herbie wanted to get me some
earrings! Really he doesnt make much money. And he totally didnt
know what I was going to tell him! I felt guilty but I let him get them
for me anyway. Theyre pretty they look like they have diamonds but
of course they arent real. I got him some too but I didnt get any to
match. I got him some little gold hoops.

So of course I couldnt tell him then. He wanted to go to a movie but
theres no way I could talk to him in a movie! So we got something to
eat and that was just us. I was so nervous I could feel my heart
pounding! I felt so bad for Herbie!

Then he started talking about plans for our anniversary and I was like
I have to tell him now. But I couldnt! So I just listened and I didnt
even say much. He asked me if I was ok I think he thought I wasnt
feeling good or something. I really wanted to tell him then but I just
couldnt!

So then he took me back. It was still early cuz I didnt want to tell him
when it was late. And then I was like how am I going to talk to him in
private! Cuz all my cuzins were there. Daddy was gone at least. So
then I said I wanted to just sit in the car and talk. I think he thought I
wanted to go park and makeout or something but I just had to talk.

So then I said “Herbie do u ever think about going out with other
girls?” And he said “no.” And I said “Weve been dating almost two
years and were still teenagers. Dont u ever think about going out with
somebody else?” And he said “not really cept just as friends.” I really
thought he would ask me if I ever thought about going out with other
guys and he didnt! I thought that would be my chance. So I was like
how am I going to tell him?

So then I said “Im only 17” but then that was stupid cuz of course he
is too. Then I said “U havent had a girlfriend for very long b4 me. But
I had u as my boyfriend for two years and b4 that I had Jules for a
year.” And he said he knew that but of course he did. And then I said
“in half a year Ill be 18. Ill be an adult Herbie and Ill only have dated
two guys.” Then finally he said “but u dont want to go out with other
guys do u?”

Then this was really weird cuz right then Daddy came home! I know
he saw us but he didnt say anything he just went inside. Anyway I
was going to tell Herbie “yes” I did want to go out with other guys
but then I didnt know! And thats what I said I said “I dont know.”
And really thats the truth! Then he said “u dont know?”

And then I said “Herbie I care for u a lot. Ur very special. Ur a great
friend and uve been a wonderful boyfriend.” And he said “uve been
wonderful too.” But this was so sad cuz it looked like he was getting
teary eyed! I hadnt even told him anything yet and he was already
getting that way! This is bad but I couldnt even look at him! When I
looked in his eyes I just wanted to forget about breaking up. I even
felt like I wanted to tell him I loved him! Isnt that weird?

So I looked away I just couldnt look at him. And I said “Herbie I
really dont know what I want. I really like u I really do. And its not
that I want to date other guys cuz really I dont even know if I do. But
thats it. I dont know what I want! And I dont think theres really any
way I will know. Unless Im free for a while.”

Then he said “what do u mean?” And he sounded so sad! And I said
“I dont really want to break up with u. But were promised to Aug. 6.
And really I might just want to have a little break.” And he said “a
break?”

And I said “yes. I dont want to break up but I just want some time
off.” And then I thought that sounds really stupid! It sounds like I
want a break from babysitting or volunteering or something! And I
said “I just want to be free for a little while.”

Then he said “how long?” And I didnt know what to say cuz I didnt
know? So I said “I dont know.” And then he said “u mean like for a
week?” And I was like what am I going to do in a week? Theres
weeks I dont see him at all so thats not even going to be any different!
But I just said “longer.” Then he said “a month?” And I said “Herbie I
really dont know. I wont know til I have a break. Maybe we can
decide later ok?”

And then he said something that made me hurt for him in my heart.
He said “I love u, Lorien.” And I wanted to start crying! He is soo
sweet! So I was like why am I breaking up with him? And I really
wanted to say “I love u too Herbie” but I straight up couldnt say that.
How do u say that to somebody ur breaking up with? So I didnt even
say anything! Why didnt I say anything? So then finally I looked at
him and he had tears falling out of his eyes! And then I got teary eyed
and I almost started crying too!

And then I just said “Herbie Im so sorry. I really like u I like u a lot. I
just want a break for a while thats all.” And then he said “but what
about our anniversary?” And then I was like how r we going to have
an anniversary knowing were breaking up the next day? And then I
felt really stupid cuz I ruined it for him! I should have waited til our
anniversary to tell him. Cuz then hed ask me if I wanted to be
promised for another year and then I could explain it to him. It
wouldnt be a real break up that way but this way it is!

I didnt know what to say so I just said “we can still have our
anniversary.” And he said “really?” And I said “yes. Were still together
til then.”

But then he said “then why do u want to break up with me?” And all I
could say was the same thing I said b4 that I wanted a break and
wanted to be free for a little while. What else could I say? Anyway we
didnt say much else. And then he said “is it ok if I hug u?” And I said
“of course boo baby.” And that was a mistake cuz if Im breaking up
with him why am I calling him boo baby? So then he hugged me and
whispered in my ear “I love u Princess.” And I felt terrible!

Anyway I gave him a little kiss but we didnt do Frenchies or anything.
And then he left.

I just sat by myself in the car for a long time. Its like I couldnt move.
I was supposed to meet somebody in a chat room but I just couldnt
move. Then finally I went inside and checked and there wasnt
anybody there anyway.

I really wanted to talk to somebody so then I thought about talking to
Germana! I dont know why I thought of her. Shes my newest best
friend but still. And of course I couldnt talk to her cuz they left for
Europe already. She said I could come over to their house sometime
but they got another family staying there so I dont know. And of
course I had Becky to talk to and I can really talk to Becky shes one
of my best friends too. And I called Mindy and told her. But I dont
know. Becky sees Herbie all the time so its different. For some reason
it seems easier to talk about it with somebody who doesnt know
Herbie very well I dont know why.

I was going to go back home tonight but I couldnt. I called Mommy
and told her but shes working and then shes staying at Page and
Perrys anyway so it doesnt matter. She wont be alone. But now its
like I feel totally alone. I know Im not cuz Becky is here and my
cuzins and my Daddy. But I still feel alone.

later

I cuddled with Becky almost all night it was really sweet. I needed her
and really she needed me. My Daddys here but he doesnt live with us
anymore, and Im breaking up with my boyfriend, and of course she
lost her Daddy. I am so glad I have her as a friend. We cuddled and
gave each other little kissies of course we do that a lot.

But then she did something really special. She rubbed my back! Isnt
that sweet? Usually she never rubs backs much cuz she cant sit still.
But while I lied on her bed I took off my sleepshirt and she took care
of me. It was so special! She really massaged me it felt nice. I really
do love Becky I should tell her that more. I say it to Mindy all the time
but I dont tell her that very often. I think its just cuz Mindy tells me
she loves me a lot but Becky doesnt say it much. But Im going to say
it to her more. I love u Becky!

Sunday July 17 2005

Dear Mr BiGgLeS

Herbie called me! He always calls me the day after we go out but I
didnt think he would today. He said he really didnt understand what I
wanted but he respected me. And I was like I dont understand what I
want either! So I explained it to him again that I just want a break.
Since Ive been 13 really 13 1/2 Ive had a boyfriend for three years!
So since Ive been a teenager Ive only been free for a year and then I
didnt do anything. I think Steve Steve and Beth wonder if I did the
right thing but really I think I did and Dena does too. They didnt say
they think what I did was wrong they just said they didnt know.
Harmony said that too. I dont even know how my friends IRL feel
they wont even tell me! I guess thats why its easier to ask ppl who
dont know me IRL and dont know Herbie.

later

I just talked to Aunt Lizzie but she just said follow my heart. She said
it will know. I know she really likes Herbie a lot so I didnt know what
shed say. Really I think I did the right thing. I hope so! But maybe Ill
go back with Herbie I might do that. But if I just stay with him how
will I ever know if its the right thing? Beth says that its like if u want
to buy a car u have to test drive it first. Thats the Beth I know online
not Beckys sister. I never bought a car and I dont think she has either
but we know u have to do that. So its like if Ive only driven two cars
then how do I know which one I want to buy? Theres a lot more cars
out there!

So I dont know. If I had to chose between Jules my first boyfriend
and Herbie I would totally chose Herbie. But how does Herbie know
who he wants to chose? He only had like one girlfriend b4 me and
thats when he was a kid. He hasnt really dated much. He needs a
chance to decide what he wants so really its good for him too!

later

I cant believe I did this but I just called Mindys Aunt Yvette on my
cell phone and talked to her about it! Really I called to talk about our
vacation out there but I talked about Herbie too. Oh Becky talked to
her too of course cuz Becky Mindy and I r going. I still dont know
about Ella. Anyway guess what Yvette told me? She said Im right but
she also said shes dating somebody now! She wasnt the last time I
saw her. His name is Howey and he likes rodeos too! Of course
Yvette does and I really like horses. Ok I wasnt going to tell u this but
I know Becky will tell u. We spent a lot of time looking at pictures of
horses and dolphins and especially one part! Ill give u a clue only guys
have one! LMAO Really Ive seen the ones on horses I was just
curious about dolphins but Im not going to talk about that anymore! lol

Anyway were all going to see a rodeo together! He works in lumber
but I dont know what he does. Hes not married but she says he has a
son and a daughter I think they live with his ex-wife. I think the boy is
five and the girl is four her name is Prudence but I cant remember the
boys name Ill have to ask.

Anyway she said u have to shop around! She said theres other fish in
the sea. But then she said Herbie sounds like a great guy so dont let
him swim away too far! lol Shes fun. Then guess what she said? She
said Allen and Josh have been talking about me a lot! Isnt that kewl?
Josh is sweet and of course I like Allen. I mean just as a friend so
dont think anything! I really dont want to date anybody right now. Ill
be there right after Herbie and my promise ends it ends Aug. 6 and Ill
be there Aug. 8. But then I dont know. If Im free why cant I date
somebody? I can date anybody I want!

But I dont know how Allen feels. Mindy said he really likes me but I
dont know. Oh and Germana told me b4 that when she read my diary
she could tell I liked Allen. But really I like a lot of guys that doesnt
mean I want to go out with them! If u dont know Allen kissed me
when I was on vacation with Mindys family and he tried to do
Frenchies! Really he did a little but I didnt let him cuz of course I have
a boyfriend. I wont have one when Im there but really I want to be
free. I dont want to date anybody for a while. Thats what I did b4 cuz
after Jules and I broke up I didnt date anybody for a year! Of course I
wasnt supposed to be dating anybody I wasnt even supposed to be
dating Jules but Mommy and Daddy didnt know. I really like Allen
though hes kewl. Hes totally different from Herbie and really from
Jules too. He plays guitar and sings in a country western band and hes
a lot of fun. Hes fun like Becky and really his mom Yvette is like that
too. Hes a little wild but hes sweet.

Ok Ill write about something else. I wrote a couple haiku but they
arent very good. I have to write more! I want to write more poems
and also want to write a story. I can never finish any of my stories! I
dont know why. Some of my poems r almost like stories Harmony
said theyre narrative poems and he writes those too. But I really want
to write a story story! lol Harmony said its good to write what I know
about but I dont know anything! lol

Anyway I want to have something to show him cuz Ill see him on
vacation too of course. Its really cool cuz Mindy really likes him but
Beckys never met him. Beckys known him online for like four years
or maybe three I cant remember but shes never met him. Hes really
sweet he really cares about u and hes a great writer and photographer.
Of course Im making the website with him and some other ppl but I
dont really know any of the others very well. Hes kewl hes my best
online friend.

later

I just talked to Ella and she said she cant go! Really thats sad. She
doesnt get to do much and I know shed have a good time. I really
should do more with her I havent much for a while. We got our full
moon esbat this week and after that Lammas but I need to see her a
lot more than that! Catovida wants us to meet again b4 Thursday but
really I dont know why. I know he really cares about our branch but
theres not much to plan. I dont think Goldina thinks we need to and
shes our High Priestess. We really need a High Priest but I dont think
Catovida qualifies for that yet even though he knows a lot a lot more
than me.

Ok I really have to work on my Psychology homework I am totally
behind!